Another 4.0 GPA this semester...I should be proud of myself.  Here's an unnecessarily long, jumbled explanation of the many reasons why I'm not. 

First of all, let me just describe how I felt today while working at the county center.  I hated every useless second I spent there entering names into the computer of people/companies who need to pay their taxes along with the never-ending lists of who's sueing who.  Each day, it is the same meaningless busy work and I can't stand it any longer.  Maureen, my boss, told me that if I wanted to work 10 mins a day that was fine.  While I am doing slightly more than 10 mins a day, it's not much more.  I am running on about 45 mins to an hour each day.  I just hate being there.  The whole time I just think of all the other ways I could be spending my time: hanging out with friends, reading, volunteering at the nursing home, going to the gym.  This is supposed to be my vacation.  While I'm at Cornell, my days basically extend from 8am until 8pm each day.  Next semester, with the new job at Olin, it will be even longer.  I don't mind as much because I feel like everything has a purpose.  My classes obviously expand my knowledge.  My jobs are 10 times better than the county center. I work with good people, I make just enough money to get by, and I am working towards having enough hours to keep my scholarship.  It's not that I'm lazy and I just want to "chill" all break.  I've been volunteering at the nursing home and loving it.  I even spent my entire Christmas Eve there.  I couldn't imagine a more worthwhile way to spend my break.  I've been thinking of asking Margaret to increase my hours.  Money just doesn't matter that much to me right now.  I know that  when it comes time to find a "real life" job someday, I need a job like the nursing home. I need to know that I am making a difference and that my days have a purpose beyond the almighty paycheck.

To show how little my dad knows me, he said to me today in one of our everyday arguments about our educational philosophies, "Megan, I know you care about making money.  That's why you're spending your vacation at the county center.  That's why you worked there last summer. If you could find a similar job at school, you'd take it."  I sat in silence and then calmly just said "Dad, I hate it there. I've only been working for about an hour a day and it's horrible.  There is no amount of money that would make me work there year round."  He was of course shocked, mainly because my being such a slacker makes him look bad in front of Maureen: my boss, his drinking buddy.

After my dad rambled on and on about how I need to settle on a career that makes a lot of  money and that I am guaranteed a job after graduation, I told him about my GPA.  He did the congratulatory thing and was very happy for me, but then he said something that made me very upset. "Megan, you have more brains than any of us: me, mom, Mike.  Just settle on a career.  You can do anything you want.  Just pick something."  I feel like my dad thinks my brains are going to waste.  He flat out told me that the only way he measures success is money and that if I don't make a lot of money, I will be unsucessful in his eyes.  To me, being successful is making a difference doing something you love.  I'm trying not to let this influence me but it's constantly in my face.  All his sisters (my aunts) feel the same way.  It's how they were raised and how would have tried to raise me if he was ever home.

My mom agrees with him, but to a lesser extent.  She did the whole "exploring herself" thing in college and majored in American Studies.  It is her biggest regret.  She could've done something worthwhile with it; she chose not to.  I'm not my mother though.  My mom never pushed herself in school.  She spent most of her time partying in HS.  In college, she felt out of place and switched schools 3 times.  Instead of pursuing the career she wanted, she chose to come home and marry the alcoholic wonder that was my father at the age of 23.  My dad dropped out of college a semester short of his bachelors because he couldn't wait to make money driving a UPS truck full time.  In college, when he wasn't working at UPS he was partying.  He only got that far by having the girls he was dating do his homework for him.  He then eventually switched to carpentry.  My mom is now making a decent amount of money, enough to get by.  She hates her job.  My dad is making a lot of money with his new job for the carpenter's union.  He actually now likes what he does, at least better than the days he was "swinging a hammer for a living".   The main appeal is the money I'm sure.

My attitudes are nothing like my parents. I like school. I like to learn. I'm motivated. Still, they can't see past there own regrets/successes.  My mom is scared I will turn out like her.  My dad wants me to find the shortest possible route to living the rich lifestyle he is now enjoying.  I want to find my own way. I want to learn about myself before discovering the perfect career for me.  Yes, I want to be able to support myself, but I really don't need to be rich. 

My brother makes me nervous.  Gike just got accepted into a 6 1/2 year doctorate of physical therapy program.  He's 17 and has never even volunteered with a physical therapist or, as far as I know, had any exposure to the field.  I hear physical therapy is great and I know they make a lot of money.  When he told me he was accepted, I tried to be happy for him, but secretly I was hoping he would get rejected.  I want Gike to explore his options, take random classes, find something he is truly passionate about.  That just isn't him though.  Gike doesn't like school/learning.  Like my dad, he is a smart guy, but doesn't really apply himself.  I don't think he's ever even read a book for pleasure.  I guess I shouldn't push my values on him, but it just upsets me, that like my father, he admitted that he only cares about money and "'getting done as soon as possible". 

I just had a long talk with Grandma Lorraine, who my mom blames for not pushing her.  Grandma agrees with me 100 percent on going to college for the education, not for the career, and I love her for it.  She feels sorry for me and begged me not to let my parents influence my decisions in college.  She was flabbergasted by my dad's words that money was the only measure of success.  She said that going into college, she didn't know she wanted to be a teacher, but she fell into it.  She said that while she didn't make the most money, she feels very successful.  To her, success is seeing students she had in her 5th grade class who are now in their forties run up yelling "Mrs. Paszkiewicz!" or running into their parents who tell her that they were her child's favorite teacher.  That, my friends, is success. 

I don't know what I would do without Grandma Lorraine. She's always been the one person I could count on throughout my life.  Much more so than either of my parents.  I have much more in common with her than my mother.  I hope personality traits don't always skip a generation because if I have a child like my mother....oh lord.

In closing, I am one confused girl.  I am going to try not to let them, my family, interfere with how I choose to measure my success or how to live my life. 

Kudos to anyone who read all this... :)  I'm sure it makes little sense to anyone but me.